Sunday, 30 January 2011

Only 10% Guano!

It's been another period where I haven't updated this in a while. What have I been doing? Next to nothing. I suppose I'm making the most of things until I actually have to do work again. I'm going to miss rising at 3 in the afternoon thinking that I really did well getting up early, and not having to wear socks for the entire day unless I need milk or food. But since yesterday, my love for something in particular has re-awakened. If you are a regular on my blog, you'll probably realise that I'm obsessed with TimeSplitters 2 and Future Perfect. But I decided to re-visit something I hadn't played in a very long time - Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.

You might be lucky enough to find a feather!
Some people say they were born at just the right time to grow up with the Beatles. I was born at just the right point in time to grow up with the Grand Theft Auto series. Introduced to GTA 3 by my older cousin in 2002, I was completely grabbed by the freedom in the game. Things like the AI in the game were highly advanced for the time, but I didn't have a clue about that. I just wanted to shoot anyone I wanted in the head with a sniper, throw a helpless pedestrian out their car, and obtain their vehicle. And then Vice City came, which I got a year or so after it's release. I completely fell in love with the gameplay, the humour, and the music. And then of course, 2004 we had Gran Theft Auto: San Andreas. You couldn't go somewhere in the playground without hearing about the game's rumours. 
"I've heard you have to fill up your car with petrol!"
"There's a mountain that takes a whole day to get up!"
"You can get a plane which drops nuclear bombs!"
And then it was actually released in October. I had to wait until Christmas to get my copy. But it was the longest, most painful wait of my life. And despite not having all the things the rumours said, I've yet to meet a person disappointed by the game, which can't be said for many other hyped games. By that point, just about every single game developer wanted to imitate the GTA series' sense of freedom. Game magazines wouldn't shut up with rhetorical questions such as 'GTA: Jak & Daxter?' or 'GTA: The Simpsons?'. And although many games got equally as good reviews, for me they just couldn't match the actual Grand Theft Auto games. Besides, who still plays and loves Driv3r, or True Crime?

So throughout today and yesterday I've been loosing all my money in a casino, suffocating people with a fire-extinguisher, escaping jet fighters in a fertiliser plane, and throwing old ladies out their car and blowing their heads off with a sawn off shotgun. Oh, and spending half an hour choosing an outfit for the game's protagonist CJ (I eventually settled on a garish 'leisure suit' and a stylish red beret).

To round off, one thing I fell in love with aside from the gameplay, music, style, etc etc, was the game's storyline and it's characters. Here's a selection of some of my favourites -

Officer Tenpenny - His greed, lack of mercy, tendency to be an absolute bastard and his corruption of the police force not only pisses off CJ, but the whole of San Andreas in scenes echoing the real life
LA riots of 1992. The ultimate villain you love to hate, and voiced by none other than Samuel L Jackson.
I can shit on you from such a height, you'll think God himself took a crap on you

Mike Toreno - Omniscient, powerful, paranoid, government agent that somehow survives being blown up in a helicopter. Whether he has finally grown a heart, or whether he has no use for the protagonist, he pulls some strings to release CJ's brother Sweet.
Got you again, Carl! You're half-asleep, I coulda killed you in nine different ways!
Your brother's getting a new cell mate tonight ? Horse Cock Harry. And I'm sending a present, little wedding present - a big tube of lube.
The Russians got bigger things to worry about than your genitals, believe me.

Maccer - What was Maccer for the nineties Madchester scene? A piss-take of it? A celebration of it? A summary of all that happened? Who cares. The masturbation and drug loving Englishman was undoubtedly the game's funniest character, voiced by Shaun Ryder of the Happy Mondays.
I've decided to get breast implants!
KP- Control yourself Maccer, think of Margaret Thatcher!
M - [Continues masturbating even more furiously]Ohhhh Maggie!
KP - You shouldn't be choking the gecko in the first place! Remember what happened at that gig in Hamburg? 
M-That groupie loved it!
KP-That wasn't a groupie, that was a roadie! 
M-But she had great tits!
KP-Man-tits! They were MAN-TITS! 

Thanks for reading!


  1. I love GTA: San Andreas, one of my favorite games! The sense of humor in it is fantastic.

  2. I love these games. They've evolved so well. I still remember being in college with my friends when one of them unlocked this secret part of the game that allowed you to have sex with a chick. You pressed the different buttons to do different 'moves' that either satisfied her or not, which was gauged by a meter on the screen. If only real life was that easy.

  3. @A Beer for the Shower - Ah, the infamous 'hot coffee' mode. That had to be deleted from later copies of the game because of the controversy it caused. But yes, if only.

  4. Lots of GTA love around bloggers lately. :D

  5. lold. awesome blog. following.